If you’re on Facebook, Instagram and/or use Messenger or WhatsApp, you need to read this.

Three weeks ago, I had no sympathy for the people whose accounts were being disabled due to the posting of “dangerous content.” I had no doubt that some were caught in an overcorrection in the fight against misinformation. But at this point, if you decide to post something controversial, the risk is assumed. I have seen “this content is no longer available” posts on friends’ pages and have heard stories of people getting thrown in Facebook “jail” for anywhere from a week to a year. While censorship is inherently problematic, so is rampant misinformation. After former President Trump got bounced, it was clear there was a new set of rules.

That’s not what this is about.

Two weeks ago, I returned from a retreat (I did not check social media or email for 5 days) to discover I was locked out of Facebook, Instagram, Messenger and WhatsApp. A hacker gained access to my email account and bypassed the two-factor authentication. After changing my profile information, he/she hijacked my existing Facebook and Instagram ad campaigns to post content that “violated community standards.” I have no idea what was posted or why. I disabled the ads by shutting down my credit card, which also shut down my funnel for new business and removed me from the groups and pages I’ve created to provide content and serve my clients.

Full Stop.

 Two weeks ago, I was five months into a new business. I was spending $1800 a month on Facebook ads and generating 3-4 times that in revenue. I was doing all the things you’re supposed to do to “nurture” my growing community. I was having fun, feeling successful and hopeful. My hard work was finally paying off. The coaching, content and resources I was offering to people about nutrition and recovery from alcohol use disorder was making a difference.

 Game on!

 I did not post, share or even “like” anything close to controversial content. If you searched my accounts, you wouldn’t be able to guess who I voted for or what I think about mask mandates. I used Facebook to “host” my community and to learn from other people that I admire. I have worked HARD to earn every single follower and spent a lot of money and what feels like most of my time fighting the algorithm every day to stay relevant. It was a lot of work. I was doing Facebook lives, using IGTV, posting in stories and trying to figure out reels (has anyone but the urban dance choreographers managed to get anywhere with those?)

Doesn’t matter.

You need to know that contacting Facebook through the Help page when you’ve been hacked (and locked out of your account) is impossible. There is no customer support. After a week of mind-bending frustration using a multi-device/browser/app strategy to circumvent the bots, I finally regained access. Only to find that my account was disabled. The subsequent process to “request a review” was pointless from the start—you can’t submit comments, explanations or evidence of fraud. Nonetheless, it was sucker punch to the gut when the final verdict was rendered: I have been permanently disabled.

I now understand that Facebook users aren’t customers—we are resources being harvested for data. This includes those of us with businesses heavily vested in Facebook ads. There is NO help–no people to call. You’d think there would be a support department to investigate fraud. It might take a while, as thousands of accounts are hacked every day. You might have to wait, but surely if you’re patient and persistent, someone at Facebook will acknowledge the oversight. That’s their job, right?

Wrong.

Facebook doesn’t care that I’ve lost my livelihood. Beyond that, I’ve lost my tribe. My people. My friends. I have contacts all over the world that I was in regular contact with via Messenger and WhatsApp. All of that’s gone. I’m gone.

Being permanently disabled from Facebook means that I can’t use Instagram, Messenger or WhatsApp either. I’m banned from opening an account on any of the Facebook platforms for the rest of my life. If I wanted to circumvent the system, I’d have to change the IP addresses on all of my devices, start shady email accounts and alter the structure of my face. And cross my fingers. Because any sign of the old Colleen Freeland Kachmann will trigger the Facebook police.

 You’re fired. Again.

 I remind myself that given a choice of problems in life, I’d pick this one in a heartbeat. My children are safe and healthy. My basic needs are met. Coaching isn’t my only source of income. Nevertheless, this IS a big deal and it isn’t just happening to me. There are thousands of people like me who have been permanently banned from the largest world-wide social network through no fault of their own. Social media is being increasingly classified as a “utility”–meaning people need access to function on a level playing field. I’ve been given a life sentence without due process. There is no court of appeals; there is no road to redemption.

This increasingly common circumstance has serious and detrimental impact on mental health and financial stability—not to mention people’s basic ability to communicate. It’s a big damn deal to be permanently removed from anywhere, not just Facebook, especially if you’re not guilty of a crime. And no one seems to care. Advice forums on Reddit and Quora take the same tone as Facebook—this wouldn’t be happening if you weren’t guilty of at least being stupid.

I’m not stupid. And you should care. You could be next.

What can you do? First of all, realize that the pictures, videos, and intellectual content on your pages and groups can be confiscated at any moment. You might “own’ them via copyright or trademark, but Facebook has full custody, and full authority to remove you from your belongings. We’ve been conned into believing that this is a public space–we have a right to conduct legal business (while pretending we have a right to privacy). We don’t! It would be like opening a business in a brick-and-mortar building without a contract and then being surprised to find the doors locked one day and all of your property confiscated. Think about the personal and professional belongings you store on these platforms: what would you do if you had 24 hours to salvage what you can?

Do that.

 After two weeks of fighting with reality, my indignity is losing steam. While I’d like to get my pictures back and reroute some of my contacts, I’m done with Facebook. I’m glad this happened. I feel free. I’m tired of jumping around like a puppet trying to please an algorithm that is literally working against me. Only 7-8 percent of my followers even see the content I spend hours making. Screw that! I’d rather have twenty people that want to hear from me than thousands who “liked” and then lost me in the noise. Being removed from Facebook has restored my time and focus–I didn’t realize how much energy using these platforms was costing me. My stress level has decreased significantly–despite dealing with this stressor! Instead of worrying about “engagement”–99 percent of which is absolutely meaningless, I am figuring out how to build a business (and a life) that doesn’t rely on the toxic grid. I’m finding new ways to stay connected to those I care about and creating an online space that truly belongs to me and serves my clients. All of this feels much more meaningful than all of that. 

Thanks Universe. Buh Bye Facebook.

Please share this article–forward it to friends and post on Facebook (it doesn’t violate community standards–maybe someone at Facebook will see it and help me). You can also download your data from Facebook.

If you think you can help, here is a link to view the evidence of my story and my (former) contact information.

Lonely vs. Alone

The root of loneliness isn’t the absence of other people but a lack of connection with yourself. When you are aware of yourself, you feel grounded and worthy. Having a strong sense of your own identify means you are never really alone, even when no one else is around. To be clear, loneliness is also a form of grief when death, divorce and other traumatic life circumstances leave us isolated. The focus of this article addresses the type of loneliness that accompanies mental health issues such as addiction, depression and codependent behavior.

Loneliness is an internal feeling—not an external circumstance. Loneliness occurs when you’re uncomfortable in your relationship with yourself. Feeling alone has little to do with being alone. Loneliness is not the result of what is (or isn’t) happening around you. It’s a reflection of what’s going on inside of you. The act of being alone is not painful. It’s the story about why and how you’re alone that creates suffering. Loneliness, like all emotions, is the consequence of thought.

What creates loneliness?

We create loneliness when the stories about our life circumstances fail to recognize our unique peculiarities and needs as “normal” and valid. Connection in any relationship (including and especially with our self) requires honesty, acknowledgement and shared identity. We stop feeling lonely when someone else validates how confusing life is, how frightening death is, how painful relationships can be, how disabling anxiety is, how overwhelming regret can feel, how miserable and monotonous everyday life can be, how threatening unexplored potential feels, how disappointing and even embarrassing it feels to age, and how the older we get, the less we know for sure. When we fail to listen and empathize and/or to feel heard and understood, the relationship breaks down.  

 The disconnect with our self occurs when we believe that we “should” or “shouldn’t” feel the way that we do. We make up stories about what we’re doing and how we feel that aren’t true in that moment—not because we are liars, but because we are ashamed of the gap between what we sense in ourselves and what is acceptable to speak of. We present a one-dimensional façade and edit for awkwardness. But the image we project is not who we are. Unfortunately, in order to identify with the image we’re projecting, we must first disconnect from our real self.

Lacking a sense of self, we evaluate and adjust our projection according to the reactions of other people. We believe our identify is located in their reflection. We become who they think we are. For this reason, relationships (especially with partners) fall apart not just because we stop liking who they are, but because we stop liking our reflection within the relationship. Also, we may not even recognize loneliness for what it is if our connections appear solid on the surface. Even seemingly healthy relationships cannot substitute for the basic need for intimacy with ourselves.

 Loneliness often manifests as a dull ache and vague discomfort. The feeling can be denied or ignored; the stories kept subconscious. High-functioning, busy and extroverted people may attempt to avoid loneliness with external distractions (people, substances and/or behaviors). They notice feelings of depression when the chaos recedes but fail to attribute the emotion to the internal disconnect. They continue to search for identity (and comfort) outside of themselves. The cycle continues; the loneliness grows.

Learn how to heal loneliness.

1. Acknowledge it. Loneliness simply reflects an unmet need–to establish and strengthen our relationship with our self. Why do we avoid this? Because there is pain in our subconscious stories. But the fear of the pain is usually worse than the reality. Our stories can be mined for wisdom. We’re so conditioned to “flinch” and run the other way. Stop flinching. Stop running. Just focus on how you feel. Have compassion. Loneliness feels heart-wrenching, but the physical sensation itself is usually bearable. Observe the sensation and acknowledge the pain. And you can handle it.
2. Empathize with yourself. Humans need validation. Empathize with yourself the same way you would a friend. By observing your loneliness instead of ignoring it, you’re building a connection to your Higher Self. Say to yourself, “I see you. I feel your pain. You are not alone. I’m here. I’ll stay with you.”
3. Skip the pity party.Don’t entertain the thoughts about people or circumstances that have let you down. Don’t think about how you’re destined to always be alone because something is wrong with you. Stay out of the story and remain in the present. Just breathe—don’t think. You don’t have to figure anything out. It doesn’t matter why or who or how. The antidote to loneliness is to establish a connection with yourself. Focus on that and the healing will begin.
4. Make regular time and space for emotional hygiene. Solid relationships require regular investments of time, energy and respect. You can’t expect to have a thriving partnership with someone who neglects and ignores you. Be consistent. Allow yourself to cry. Or scream. Sing, rock, sway, moan. Punch a pillow. Write in a journal. Or just be still. Numbness is a feeling too. In the beginning, it may feel overwhelming because there’s a lot to process. Set a time limit to avoid plunging into a black hole. It’s okay to process in increments. But the more you practice feeling your feelings and exploring your inner world, the easier it gets. It won’t always feel so foreign! This process is as essential as going to the bathroom. Think of emotional hygiene as flushing the toilet. Do it regularly so the system doesn’t get backed up.
5. Identify your unmet needs. Often loneliness stems from some combination of need for connection, variety, certainty, contribution, growth and significance. Consider how you have been attempting to get these needs met. What expectations have you placed on friends, family, career and activities? Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. If the people and situations you’ve chosen to meet your needs don’t have the capacity, explore other options. Accept the reality, process your disappointment and take responsibility for your own needs.

Loneliness is an emotion that signals an unmet need. It should not be ignored. Humans have a basic need to belong—to matter, to grow and to feel needed. These feelings are rooted in self-awareness and identity. If we cannot acknowledge, validate and care for ourselves, we cannot expect anyone else to understand who we are and what we need. Authentic relationships are built on a strong connection to self.  

Are you struggling with loneliness? Join my Normalize Sobriety Facebook Group to connect with me and others who are learning to be authentic and do the hard work it takes to deal with their feelings.

Why We Drink and Why It’s So Hard to Stop

I have a master’s degree in health coaching with a concentration in applied nutrition. And I had no idea that I was addicted to alcohol until after I stopped drinking. My addiction hid behind 1) my ability to function (things to do, places to go and people to see) and 2) the multitude of health-hacks (exercise and supplements) that I used to offset my consumption. The only clear warning light on the proverbial dashboard was that I was drinking more than seven drinks per week, which put me in the “heavy drinker” category. But that felt arbitrary. We were in the middle of a pandemic–the world was on lockdown. I was more concerned with staying sane than I was my alcohol consumption. Acting like I was okay and pretending to care was getting harder every day. Alcohol was a life-preserver that beaconed me to happy hour every night.

But then one day–as I purchased 2 bottles of Grey Goose vodka at a COVID-safe curbside liquor store/tent–my reality cracked. I had just “stocked up” last week. This wasn’t for a party. I wasn’t buying two because of a sale. The vodka would be hidden in my closet–in my secret stash. I’d drink it all. Alone.

That realization briefly tipped the scales toward common sense. I was motivated to change my trajectory. On impulse, I called AA and asked for a temporary sponsor. I bought “quit-lit” books, subscribed to podcasts, followed support groups on social media and immersed myself in the topic of sobriety. I was all-in. The withdrawal symptoms lingered for ten days. They weren’t bad. I could have pretended they weren’t there. Or that my hormones were to blame. Instead, I allowed the evidence of addiction to both mortify and motivate. As I lay awake each night, drenched in a puddle of sweat, I felt grateful that the poison was leaving my body. I wasn’t giving up alcohol, I was throwing it out. Managing the discomfort felt like an accomplishment. Sobriety is an upward spiral–you going somewhere new and fun and happy. Drinking is a downward spiral. You’re sinking and stuck and it will only get worse.

After nearly a year of sobriety, I’ve challenged most if not all of my underlying beliefs that alcohol is somehow necessary and/or beneficial. I now understand why we drink and why it is so hard to stop. It’s because we believe things about alcohol that aren’t true and ignore experiences to the contrary.

Here’s a list of my top delusions:

Lie #1: Alcohol makes you happy. Actually, just the opposite is true. The more we drink (in both a single sitting and over time), the less we are able to feel pleasure. It’s true there is an intial high. In fact, that first drink can stimulate two to ten times more dopamine than natural activities such as eating, social connection and even sex. The problem occurs over time when everyday activities feel less fulfilling by comparison. What’s more, artificially inflated levels of dopamine threaten our well-being (think: “let’s get married right now!” “take this job and shove it” or “I believe I can fly”). The brain compensates by releasing a neurotransmitter called dynorphin, which anesthetizes our perception of not only pleasure, but any emotion. As we build a tolerance to alcohol, we’re also building a tolerance to feelings of happiness, satisfaction and empathy. Research shows that our mood is lower after a drinking session than before we started. Next time you drink, see for yourself. It’s easy to observe.

Lie #2: Alcohol helps you sleep. Not really. It can help us fall asleep—but not for long. The brain releases stimulants to counter the sedative effects of the alcohol. Once the buzz/sedation wears off, stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol linger. We often wake up once the alcohol is metabolized, unable to return to deep sleep due to agitation. Even if we stay in bed, we sleep fitfully and restlessly. Our mind races. Worse, the sleep after we “passed out” was altered—too deep. Alcohol inhibits the natural REM cycles, which are critical for mental health and overall well-being. Chronic exhaustion was one of the symptoms that motivated me to give up alcohol. I was so tired and apathetic I didn’t even want to drink anymore! Sad. Also helpful.

Lie #3: A high tolerance is a sign of a healthy liver and/or a genetic advantage. Sadly, for those of us who can drink like “professional rockstars,” tolerance is simply a sign of dependence. It’s a function of compromised brain chemistry, not superior liver function. Tolerance occurs when the brain releases dynorphin before we drink (basic Pavlovian conditioning) to ensure that we don’t get swept away in the currents of incoming alcohol-induced euphoria. We subsequently consume more alcohol because the first drink didn’t get the job done. The more we drink, the more our brain must fight the sedative effects of alcohol with cortisol and adrenaline. So, yes, thanks to high levels of stimulants coursing through the bloodstream, tolerant drinkers can walk without tripping and talk without slurring while less seasoned drinkers fall asleep under the proverbial table (they won’t fool a breathalizer though). But once the buzz wears off, feelings of agitation and anxiety are evidence of the lingering chemical warfare. FYI: periods of abstinence do not reset tolerance for long. The brain’s ability to manage alcohol consumption is learned through repetition. It’s like riding a bike. We don’t forget.

Lie #4: I’ll just have one. Maybe two. Why is moderation so hard for people who are otherwise disciplined? Because brain chemistry is stronger than willpower, especially if you are don’t know there’s a fight. The first drink of alcohol feels relaxing and even a bit euphoric as high levels of dopamine flood our system. Pleasant feelings last for about 20-30 minutes—while our blood alcohol level is rising. However, what goes up must come down. Once our BAC starts to fall and the buzz wears off, we feel agitated from the neurochemicals released to counteract the alcohol. Our subconscious does the math: that half hour of pleasure costs us 60-90 minutes of discomfort. That’s not what we deserve after the day we’ve had (awesome, awful or average—any story works). Our resolve to “just have one” waivers. We keep drinking to avoid the comedown. This explains why I tended to drink until it was time for bed. It was much easier to sleep through the discomfort. This is the crux of addiction. Once dependency is established, we don’t drink (or take any drug) to get “high.” We drink to feel normal (stop the withdrawal). Telling someone to drink less is like telling a sick person to cough less. They might be able to control it for a while. But it’s uncomfortable. It requires a lot of effort and focus. The difficulty of stopping after one is why many people (like me) find it easier to abstain from alcohol than to moderate. An intense battle of competing wills is not the definition of relaxation and/or reward for anyone.

Lie #5: Not having a reason to not drink is a sufficient reason to drink. This dangerous assumption is the double negative that put me into a downward spiral once quarantine hit. Self-imposed limits felt like a joke. I promised myself I wouldn’t drink on weeknights. But Wednesday and wine both start with “w.” That’s a sign from God. I made gin and tonics to cut back on vodka because I don’t like gin. Problem solved. Kids, dogs and Facetime meant I was never drinking alone. Legit loophole. And the suggested two-drink limit drowned in my 36-ounce Yeti. RIP moderation. I felt like a snowball rolling down a hill. WTF happened? I used to be able to have a drink and stop, and/or abstain without issue. How did a headstrong, intelligent and health-conscious person find herself unable (and unwilling) to follow the basic rules?

I now understand that regular alcohol consumption keeps the body flooded with stress hormones (to counteract alcohol’s depressive effects). There are two ways to get rid of these stress hormones: 1) feel uncomfortable as you wait for them to metabolize (which can take a week or more for heavy drinkers) or 2) have another drink. The quickest solution (to have another drink) seems logical because we don’t associate feelings of discomfort with alcohol withdrawal. We’re distracted by the belief that alcohol is relaxing so we attribute our need for another to soemthing (anything) else.

Anyone who’s drank their way through a wedding weekend has experienced the chemistry. You drink your face off on Friday night and ease into Saturday with a hair of the dog. You promise yourself to take it easy, but it’s an open bar and you don’t want to be rude. The hangover is worse on Sunday, so you swear to never drink again after a mimosa or bloody Mary. Because alcohol relieves the pain caused by alcohol. The same process is in play with even moderate drinking. Everyone who drinks on a regular basis will experience withdrawal (mild discomfort and vague uneasiness) when they abstain. This is how “I need a drink” becomes a true story.

Lie #6: There are two types of drinkers: normal and alcoholic. Anyone can become dependent on alcohol, just like anyone can become addicted to nicotine, opiates, cocaine—and caffeine and sugar. Alcohol is an addictive drug. The more you use it, the more dependent you become. While a small percentage of alcoholics end up drinking mouthwash out of a paper bag, many are high functioning. They suffer behind closed doors. I didn’t get DUIs, abuse or neglect my kids, or fail to show up for commitments. The belief (perpetuated by AA) that there’s a difference between “normies” and alcoholics prevents all of us “normal” drinkers from recognizing that we are vulnerable to dependency and addiction. The truth is that anyone can qualify for rehab. Alcoholism is an equal opportunity disease.

Lie #7: Quitting drinking means admitting to being an alcoholic. The term “alcoholic” is a cultural term not a medical diagnosis. Regardless, we now live in a create-your-own-lifestyle-brand society. Personally, I don’t consider myself an alcoholic. The label feels overly dramatic. It doesn’t describe me. Why would I start calling myself an alcoholic now that I’ve stopped drinking? That doesn’t make any sense. I’m willing to say I was an alcoholic but technically, there is no such thing. The official lexicon in the DSM 5 is person with “alcohol use disorder” (AUD), which is “characterized by an impaired ability to stop or control use despite negative consequences.” I definitely had alcohol use disorder. In hindsight, I can see how it developed over about ten years—one justified drink at a time. My ability to control my use was definitely impaired (my “shut down” switch was broken). Luckily my ability to ask for help was not impaired. Once I admitted to myself and someone else that I had a problem, the lights came on in the tunnel. The nightmare was immediately over. 

Because I was physically “healthy,” I didn’t think my drinking habits were of much consequence beyond the occasional hangover. I drank more than I cared to admit but I was clueless as to why that was a problem. I didn’t know that I had become dependant, meaning I experienced withdrawal symptoms when I wasn’t drinking. I didn’t know that my body had chronically high levels of cortisol, adrenaline and dynorphin. I just knew that I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Thank God my survival instincts kicked in. By the time I was through the detox, the physical sensations prompting me to drink each night (agitation, anxiety, apathy, etc.) had mostly gone away. There’s still been a lot to work through and it hasn’t been fast or easy. But forward progress of any measure feels better than the downward spiral of addiction. Freedom feels amazing.

If you’re struggling, having someone to talk to makes a huge difference. As a coach, I provide direction, support and accountability for people who want to make changes in their life. Email colleenkachmann@gmail.com for a free consulatation.